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April 26, 2021

It’s Monday and I’m sitting here wondering when the shipment of Xeloda will arrive. It’s been a week of nothing but vitamins and Lexapro. Besides switching from #Ibrance to #Xeloda, the biggest change we made last week was that I stopped all #hormonetherapy. Normally I would have gotten a shot for #ovariansuppression last Monday – just like I have every 4 week or so since the end of 2018. But since the cancer is no longer as responsive to hormones, Dr. Z decided to stop that approach.

I feel like my body hasn’t been my own since the middle of 2011 when I got pregnant the first time. Ever since then I have either been pregnant, miscarrying, breastfeeding (often concurrently), having cancer or in induced menopause. I had looked forward to when I would be done breastfeeding and could get my hormones and body back, but I found out I had cancer while breastfeeding, so I never did.

Then I hoped that I could get through the 5+ years of hormone therapy and get my body back while I was in my early 40s. Maybe I would actually come out of menopause when the shots ended? Don’t get me wrong – I don’t miss having a period, but I do miss having a body that feels 40 instead of 60. I miss not worrying about my bones or having achy joints. I hate fighting with hormonal weight gain. I even miss the reliability of hormonal rhythms.

Then, when I found out I was metastatic, I was sad that I would never have my body back. Angry. Heartbroken. I realized that my girls would have to learn about periods from books or other people – it wouldn’t be something they naturally saw in our home.

So when Dr. Z told me we were going to stop the hormone stuff, I was shocked. It had become such a normal part of my life. I hesitate to say I’m excited to see how my body does, but I am curious. Hopefully I can separate hormonal changes from Xeloda side effects.

I started this on Saturday, and now it’s Monday. I think one reason I struggle to feel excited about the hormone stuff ending is that I’m tired. I don’t have my marathon legs yet. And I’m sad. I’m sad that I have cancer. And I hate it.

I’m sure my hormones aren’t helping.

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