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July 5, 2018

I’ve had to fight back some feelings of embarrassment for what could seem like a desperate over-share in my last post. My logical mind is fine with everything I put, but the other part hates making people upset for/concerned about us and doesn’t want to look like such a mess. Honesty and transparency have always been priorities of mine, though, so I think it would be unfair to leave out these parts.

Things were already starting to improve when I posted, but this week has steadily gotten better and better. I woke up yesterday morning, and went downstairs for my cup of coffee. Some days lately this hasn’t even appealed to me, so I knew that was a good start. I sat drinking it while the girls watched cartoons, and realized that some of the pictures I have propped along the wall could actually be hung. (The wall over the fireplace is going to have multiple things hung and I haven’t gotten it all figured out, so everything is just sitting.) So by 9am yesterday morning, I had the hammer and tape measure out and was putting stuff back on the walls. This was clue #2 that yesterday was going to be a better day. And it was.

Later in the morning, we met up with some friends at a nearby park. I sat under a pavilion while the girls played, had their faces painted and Jonathan played a softball game. A friend of a friend organized the whole thing and included Jonathan’s men’s group. The only thing I did was show up, and it was great. It was low key, not too hot, and fun. We came home in the afternoon and took naps. Since we had put our pajamas on, we decided to stay home the rest of the day. We watched a movie, painted fingernails, and I started putting new maps on the dining room table.

In retrospect, I think part of this past week being so hard was the realization that the effects of chemo are cumulative. The way I had been thinking about it before was that Treatment 1 = Treatment 2 = Treatment 3, and so on. Even though my immune system is still strong, getting sick made me know it’s been weakened. Therefore, the more accurate view should be Treatment 1 + Treatment 2 + Treatment 3, etc… I have to keep in mind that the second half may not be as ‘easy’ as the first (though it still may), and that is hard to know.

There is another mother at the girls’ preschool who is dealing with breast cancer and is currently going through chemo. She’s ahead of me, but with a different diagnosis and slightly different regimen. Her blood counts have been dangerously low for her last few rounds, and she’s had to miss or delay at times. On Sunday, she ended up in the hospital with a neutropenic fever. (Thankfully she went home Tuesday.) It was scary to see her go through that. Scary to know it could also happen to me. And a harsh reminder of how evil this disease is and how toxic the medicine we have to fight it with is. It also left me thinking “how am I complaining about feeling woozy and tired when she is in the hospital?” I know this isn’t true, but it still comes to mind.

Thank you for all your prayers for me physically and for our family. We’ve really felt them. Jonathan just took the older two to my parents for the next couple days, so that will be fun for them and a good break for us. Elin has a couple play dates lined up, and will enjoy her only child status the rest of the time.

Today, I’ll have a CT scan. It’s my doctor’s response to me asking them to check and make sure I still don’t have any spread to other areas. Please pray for a clean scan.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Becky Blossom permalink
    July 5, 2018 12:56

    I love reading about your treatment and healing process. It is scary to know how things could go, easy to be frustrated when even the good healing is challenging AF, and amazingly exciting when you can suddenly do normal things. Prayers for you and your family always.

  2. Ruth Petersen permalink
    July 5, 2018 15:25

    Yeah: SO great to hear you are having some good days…I’m thankful for every good day you have….I pray they continue! The green color on the wall where the hangings happened is very pretty, great color choice..keep improving! Much love 🙏 Ruth xxoo

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