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The cloud

May 3, 2018

I’ve been staying up too late this week and therefore not getting enough sleep, so I’m going to try to make this fast.

I’m starting to think that there’s a pattern of ‘I feel fine the day I receive hard news and then the next day I fall into a slump.’ Tuesday and Wednesday were major blah days. And it feels lame to just say I feel blah, but that’s how I felt. Tired. Lethargic. Like crying. Overwhelmed. Drinking coffee all morning because I think it’s going to put some pep in my step and then feeling dehydrated and headache-y in the afternoon because of all the coffee.

I want to be prepared for how I’m going to feel, but since I don’t know how I’m going to feel, I don’t know how to prepare. I don’t want to have someone here 24/7 and I feel fine, and don’t want to be without help and feel terrible. (I know that won’t happen, but it still comes to mind.) I watched a YouTube diary of a woman who is just a few months ahead of me doing the same AC-T regimen, and it was sobering. It’s no joke.

For those of you more into the nitty gritty of our daily lives here, this is Jonathan’s month to fly, but it looks like he might be able to teach the two weeks I have treatment instead of flying. This would be a huge mental and emotional relief to me.

I’ve been looking at my to-do list and feel like I’m preparing to go off to war or something. I have to remind myself that life isn’t over on Monday. I’m not going to cease functioning. But in spite of knowing this, I am definitely carrying around a dull sense of dread. Like when you anticipate an upcoming vacation and it gives a bit of joy to every other aspect of life – but the complete opposite version of that feeling.

I have one of those apps that tracks your cycle and today it said “PMS is coming”. Normally this message just annoys me (maybe PMS is already here), but today I thought “not if chemo gets here first.” How has this invaded every fiber of me? I don’t like it.

My right eyelid has been twitching off and on for weeks. I think it’s either caused by being tired or by stress or both. It’s annoying. And it has become a twitchy little reminder that I have something causing me stress.

Yesterday, I went by a waxing place and noticed that they do henna tattoos. Recently I had been talking about how I understood women who tattoo the place where their breast used to be. The thing that was once naturally beautiful is gone, so they fill it in with something else that is beautiful. I am in no place mentally or physically to get a tattoo, but Christine wondered if it might be nice to get some henna done.

So after I got Farrah from school, we got tattoos. The women there were gracious and kind. They kept reassuring me that God would take care of me and that everything would be good. They also showed me videos of yoga breathing that they said would help me. I thought they might be taken back by my request, but they looks at people’s hairy parts all day, so it’s probably okay. The smell from the mud ended up making me feel sick several hours later, but it was dry by then so I just washed it off.

Just about every day when the mail comes, I am happily surprised by some sweet note or thoughtful gift. I will never be able to express how grateful I am for these. Yesterday, I got a package from a dear couple who I haven’t seen in way too long. In it was a children’s book called “Cancer Hates Kisses”. I mention this because it is the most perfect book for someone with children who is dealing with cancer. It explains everything in simple and understandable language.


I opened it and Alida immediately took it and read it to me. It starts with a mom and goes through surgery, then chemo, losing hair, feeling sad, feeling bad, having radiation, all the while listing all the things that cancer hates – cancer hates laughter, cancer hates love, cancer hates hugs, cancer hates high fives. The timing couldn’t have been better because she read things that I haven’t even gotten to tell her yet, and we got to talk about it some.

Over the last few days, after some days with epically bad behavior, Jonathan and I decided that we needed to rearrange the girls’ bedrooms. They have their own rooms right now, but Alida gets displaced whenever we have someone stay with us. Sometimes she only moves to her (very large) closet, but it’s still disruptive. She is a person who really enjoys her space.

In preparation of a summer that will probably require a lot of guests/help, we bunked Elin and Farrah’s beds in Farrah’s room, so they will share and Alida will have Elin’s room. Farrah and Alida are thrilled. Elin is off at GranMary and Grandpa’s, but hopefully she will find sleeping on a bunk bed and not being alone at night to be an upgrade. It sucks to have to make decisions based on such a long term disruption of our lives.

I know this is kind of a downer post, but you should know that today was a much better day. I got a lot of things checked off my list and didn’t feel blah. And for that I am grateful. I have an EKG at 10am tomorrow (Friday) to make sure my heart can handle the chemo. I’ve never had one, but Jonathan said it’s the easiest medical test you can do, and that’s a relief.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Ruth Petersen permalink
    May 4, 2018 08:16

    I SO wish I lived close to you, every time I read your blog I just want to be of some help to you..Please know you, Jonathan and those sweet girls are in my daily prayers..It’s such a privilege to pray for you and I am truly one who believes God hears and answers prayers..I pray for complete healing in your body and your spirit…Much love, I send you Sweet Grace
    Ruth xoxo

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