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The sadness of it all

April 6, 2018

Today is the day that, as Farrah said, “The doctor’s going to chop your boob off and Jesus is going to be with you.” (My surgery is at noon.)

This week has been busy as we prepare for surgery and make sure the kids are squared away. We had a good couple days in the mountains and were able to take some time with the girls and talk about what’s going on. We had to recognize that 1. this was not going to be our usual getaway. We both had to spend way more time on our phones that we would have preferred, and 2. it was our trip. We could do whatever we wanted. Just because we were in the mountains didn’t mean we HAD to go for a hike.

The thing I feel most needs to be said, though, is that on Tuesday I was finally (?) hit by the sadness of all of this. I started crying and kept on throughout the evening. I feel so sad that this is my best option. Sad that I will be losing a part of my body. Just sad. I guess the denial stage of grief had worn off.

I didn’t go around crying all the time, but I have definitely had my moments. I recalled how many of you have told me your hearts were broken for me, and I finally felt that for myself. Heart broken for my breast and the loss I’m about to experience. I imagine it might be how one feels when they have a beloved family pet who is sick and needs to be put down. Sad that it’s come to this, but still knowing it’s the best and right thing to do.

While we were gone, my mother painted two bedrooms that I had wanted to be painted for months. There were paint squares all over the walls and they looked terrible. It was so nice to come home to a beautiful new bedroom.

Wednesday night, we went to dinner and then to church for our monthly worship & prayer service, and again, the sadness hit me. This just sucks. And being sad is good and okay. They sang about God leading us and us following. It reminded me that this isn’t the destination, and that God isn’t like, good luck with that. He’s led us here and we will keep walking through it with Him.

Last night, some friends threw me a party to mark the occasion. It was such a sweet and beautiful time. So many words of wisdom and comfort. I was grateful to have to stop in the middle of a busy week and be intentional about sitting with this experience.

If only love could cure cancer. But since it doesn’t, it makes the journey that much sweeter and bearable. So many of you have sent me thoughtful texts, emails, calls. I carry them with me in my heart and know that when we go to the hospital today, we will not be alone.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2018 09:06

    This is lovely. I sent it to a friend. Thanks for sharing your faith in this way.

  2. Barbara Harris permalink
    April 6, 2018 10:27

    Sending love, strength and prayers!

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