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grumblings

July 1, 2007

I’m not a happy camper right now. My mom is stuck in China. I want her back. We all want her back. I feel like it’s my fault but there isn’t any way I could’ve known this would happen. It’s such a frustrating, stupid, ridiculous, unreasonable situation. Also, my heart is broken. Only for the millionth time. I want it fixed and never to break again. But then again, who ever really wants their heart to break in the first place? Why am I so stupid as to put myself in a situation where I know I’m going to end up like this? I am not at work, which actually makes me happier than if I were, but I’m very unhappy with my company right now. If I were an impulsive person I might have quit my job tonight. I just felt that irritated with it all. I think this is all pay back for the last several depression-free months. I find myself more upset over things than I would normally be. Or that’s how I feel anyway. I also found out that the new charger was supposedly delivered on 6.28. Hopefully it was delivered to the office here and they just didn’t bother letting me know. Would’ve been nice to have a few days ago.

I need to find the off switch for my brain. I want to sleep and not have the bad dreams I’ve had the last two nights. It’s amazing how much dreams can affect your waking self. Today I found myself nearly overwhelmed by fear that these dreams brought on me. I don’t like it and had to keep reminding myself that fear is not from the Lord. It helps me understand people I know who are sometime debilitated by what, at the time, seem like silly fears to me.

I’ve been told several times lately that I need to find a new job. I didn’t get the one I was wanting. Found that out on Monday via email. I haven’t given up on it though. Just need to try a different avenue. I don’t think I want to be a flight attendant for the rest of my life but I’m not ready to give up flight benefits. I think I just need to work for a different company. Tonight, instead of finding someone to cover the overnight they assigned me (mine got canceled) and let me come back in the morning after I felt better my company chose to mark me sick for the rest of my trip. There is no helping anyone out. It’s a much longer story than that but makes me mad to think about it. Now I’m off til Saturday. I’m glad cause I need a break from all the madness. I’d like to work for a company that actually cares about me, if that even exists. I need to start writing or doing something else.

I found out yesterday that I have been seeing 20/40 out of my left eye. I must be getting old. At least it’s corrected now.

I also signed up for my 401k yesterday. It makes me feel like I’m getting old but in a good way. I should’ve done it a long time ago, but at least I’m enrolled now.

I had one of the San Antonio Spurs in my front seat the other day coming back from Nassau. He was traveling with his wife. Didn’t know he played for them til after he got off and my captain recognized him. Don’t even know his name. They were really nice though and we talked for a while. I also rode next to an NFL player last week coming back from Adri’s. Didn’t know who he was either til I asked him about his ankle (was swollen from surgery which led to conversations about injuries, football, etc…). He used to play for the Giants. I wonder how it makes them feel that I have no idea who they are. Ha

Things are shaping up on the home front. I have one roommate and now we are looking for a third person, since that will be the cheapest option. Now I just need to throw away everything I own so I can start from scratch when I move at the end of the month. I will definitely have plenty to keep me busy this week.

I think I’ll try sleep again. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t be running on battery power anymore and can keep up with the online world a little better. I feel so out of the loop :-P. This is a lot of disclosure for a myspace blog, but I know that people who love me read it and I need to share.

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