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Hey You…

March 31, 2006

I wish I could talk to you. I wish you were here beside me like you were before. I got in bed tonight and grabbed the other pillow to prop up with and it has the faint smell of you on it. Also has some random short hairs that I know don’t belong to me. I just miss you. I have a feeling I’ll be missing you a lot for a long time. I’m glad we got to talk more. I’m glad that we can be honest with each other. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one this is hard for. I still feel really awful sometimes because I feel like all this unhappiness is my fault… But what can I do? I’m glad that you are mature enough to still want to be around me and still keep our friendship. I still get scared sometimes that when you start to move on you won’t care about that anymore, but worrying over the future never got anyone anything except for a wallow in misery. It’s nice not to know what the future holds. I know it’s not right for me to hold out hope for the future. I did that once before, and though this situation is by far a different one, it still isn’t right to myself or to you to do that. Thankfully you understand that. That still doesn’t make any of this easier. Doesn’t make it easier when you sit next to me but don’t touch me. When you only hug me goodnight and don’t kiss me anymore. Doesn’t make it any easier to look at your handsome face, see your smile and your dimples, your lovely brown eyes with the dark green edge.. all that I’ve come to know so well and now I have to make my distance from them. I don’t want to dwell on all the things I’m missing out on because I don’t want to cry anymore. I have noone to hold me tonight if I cry and that sucks. I’m glad that we can still have a good time and laugh together. I hope that I can be a friend and not let my feelings (and hormones) get in the way. I guess that’s all I have to say now. I miss your good night texts. It’s lonely in the dark and the quiet. You made it a nice thing but now it’s back to a lonely thing again. And possibly more lonely this time since I know what I’m missing out on now. I hope you’re sleeping nicely right now since you have to get up so early in the morning. I love the way you get up so early so you can take your time and enjoy your morning. I love the way you pack your lunch and make sure everything is just so. I love the way you spent all day making your car beautiful, and the fact that you let me drive it a lot. I love so many things about you… There have been so many times lately when I wish I could tell you that I love you. I don’t know if I’m in love, and even if I am it doesn’t matter right now, but I love you as my friend.. someone who has taken the time to learn me inside and out and still likes me. Someone who I can share things with, laugh with, cry if necessary. I can tell you anything and somehow you’re still around. I pray that I am doing the right thing, cause it really doesn’t feel like it most of the time. I guess I should sleep now. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you were here with me. I hope you thought of me some. I miss you. Sweet dreams. xoxo

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