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fire engine red

September 19, 2005

I just woke up so I’m not responsible for anything that I say right now. My head is full and I need to empty it so I can get on with my day and be productive.

It’s 7pm on a Monday night and I’m home. I had to go to the doctor this morning for a pre-op and somewhere along the way I got a terrible headache. Came home, didn’t go away so I went to sleep to hopefully feel better.. 4.5 hours later I wake up and my headache is still here. On top of that I dreamed weird dreams. I realized the other day that I hadnt’ been pining for anyone in a while. It’s a nice feeling and unusual for me. It seems like realizing that has suddenly brought to mind thoughts of everyone I ever cared about. They’re even creeping into my sleep. Pisses me off. Just now I dreamed that I was with my sister Joy. We were flying somewhere and somehow it turned out to be Australia, so I started looking on a map to find out what part of Australia we’d be flying into. Somehow we came within driving distance of my Aussie friend. So I went to see him and evidently since it was so last minute (yes, it was a dream. It’s impossible to have a last minute trip to Australia since it takes a whole day to get there) I didnt’ have time to contact him and let him know I was coming. So when I did get there and find him it was total awkwardness. It was like he wasn’t happy to see me and kept going off to do other things. Then Joy goes to his apartment for some reason and sees all this woman stuff everywhere, which explains the weirdness, but just makes me be like, what couldn’t you just say so??? What is it with guys (I’m not referring to my friend since he was an involuntary participant in my dream)? Is it the desire to always keep all options open that they can’t say, hey, I’m seeing someone now, that’s what you haven’t heard from me in a few weeks/months. Even when asked they deny it. Blah. Anyway. I think that is out of my system. I hate when a dream throws me off this much. It’s just a stupid dream already.

So my next subject of mind chaos is my room. Right now I’ve got my bed, a black iron baker’s rack/bedside shelf, ugly and uncomfortable chair, 5 John Deere storage boxes (they were on sale – go figure), an unpacked suitcase (what’s the point in unpacking anymore), some plastic drawers with necessary household things and a lot of stuff I need to sort, and other randomosities. I want my room to be comfortable and inviting. I want there to be a place for everything. My ideas are finally coming together but now I have to find the stuff, and for really cheap, to make it work. So until then my room remains chaotic and boring. I did hang up a poster that my Porsche University friends gave me. Not quite the final look I’m going for but better than nothing. I wish I had bought that green paint at Home Depot the other day when I saw it. I think I’m going to paint the wall with the windows green, kind of an olive green, and the wall behind my bed a medium blue. I like the idea of duplicating the colors outside my window.

I found my new current favorite song. I heard it on a Power Anthem cd when I was living in England. I used to drive, on the wrong side of the road, with that cd turn up full blast. It’s Poison by Alice Cooper. I’m not feeling most of my music right now so it’s a good change. I’m not unhappy or depressed but just don’t feel like happy music right now. “Your lips are venemous poison” is more along my lines right now. I need to repaint my toenails. I can’t do the whole half on, half off paint job for some reason. Reminds me of Joy cause she wears her nail polish til it grows off practically. I miss her. I need to go visit her soon.

My next three off days are Friday – Sunday but they are already full up. I went this morning for a pre-op cause I’m having out patient surgery Friday morning to remove a lump from my breast. It’s nothing serious, just precautionary I think. They did a biopsy on the lump a few weeks ago and it’s a fibroadenoma, which is normal, but it has a weird texture, which is why they recommended it be removed. I have to be there at 0630 Friday and have to have someone drive me home. Then I’ll be leaving that night to go to Lexington to go skydiving on Saturday. I dreamed about that last night. Dreamed I was standing in the doorway of the plane looking down and thinking, what in the world am I doing??? Then I go to the hospital this morning and there’s all this talk about living wills and stuff… I could die this weekend. If the surgery doesn’t get me somehow the skydiving might.

You would laugh if you just saw me. Poison is on again and it makes me headbang and play the air drums with great energy. Hehe. Loving it. I was hoping to see my family today but since I slept all afternoon I don’t know if that’s goign to happen. Talked to my daddy this morning. It was lovely. I also went to the thriftstore on Stewart Avenue/Metropolitan Parkway this morning. Seeing if they have any interesting frames or anything. It was kind of scary. I saw a hooker at noon. Very sad. So many bums around there. Nearly ran over a one legged guy wheeling himself across the road. It’s crazy. Feels like a different country over there or something.

“I wanna love you but I better not touch, I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop, I wanna kiss you but I want it too much, I wanna taste you but your lips are venemous poison. You’re poison running through my veins. I don’t wanna breaks these chains… Dont’ wanna touch you but you’re under my skin, I wanna kiss you but your lips are venemous poison…”

One of my cd cases is gone and it makes me really sad. It was all my burned cds and evidently a bunch of my other ones. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last year and a half though it’s that you can’t hang onto things too tightly. Losing things is part of life. I’m not even talking about people, just talking about a memory stick with hundreds of photos, a journal, my favorite clothes, the Chinese shirt Joy gave me, my old camo skirt. The little things that I loved but seem to have vaporized. What can you do?? Obviously nothing except accept it. I found something today that I thought was gone which made me happy. I still think I’ll find the cds one day but who knows. If I don’t I guess it’ll be alright, right?

My stomach is calling and I think my brain has been cleansed. Going to go find food and see what I can do to bring some order and niceness to this place.

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